The letter I’m probably going to send to Sainsbury’s supermarket

Dear Sainsbury's,

I would like to register my displeasure at your recent decision to change the way customers' receipts look, listing (certain?) discounted items after the subtotal.

For the customer, this is not an improvement, since, in order to check that all the discounts have been correctly tallied, we now have to know how much we have saved with each multibuy, special offer etc. Since we cannot realistically be expected to do this, it is now far easier for mistakes to go unnoticed. Perhaps that is your ultimate aim, to sneak a few extra pennies and pounds out of our unwitting hands.

Furthermore, your "leaflet" explaining these changes appears to be nonsensical. It reads: "So we can introduce some exciting new offers, we have made a few changes to how your receipt looks." Might you be able to explain, please, how changing the look of the receipt enables you to present the customer with more offers? Surely the two are mutually exclusive. You are implying that you could not possibly introduce any new offers unless you changed the look of the receipt, which is clearly not true, since you have been doing just fine so far.

As a further insult, you have chosen to print up what I can only assume to be countless millions of leaflets explaining this unnecessary decision to hapless customers, when many of us are asking our supermarkets to produce less packaging and waste material. What is the point in reducing the amount of packaging on ready meals and the like if you then go and produce millions of these things? Yes, the paper is recyclable, but we all know that a huge number of consumers will just throw it in the bin.

I would be most grateful if you could respond to these queries.

Many thanks.

Blah blah etc

An open letter to Ultimate Burger

Dear Ultimate Burger,

The thing is, if you're going to name your company/restaurant/chain Ultimate Burger, you better fucking well be serving people the ultimate in burgers, you dig? Because when I walk into somewhere called Ultimate Burger, I'm expecting the ultimate burger.

And in my opinion, you know what the ultimate burger has in it? NOT FUCKING RAISINS, THAT'S FOR FUCKING SURE! What kind of cunt are you, putting fucking raisins in a fucking hamburger? Where the fuck did you grow up, eating that shit?

It would be all well and good if your burger bar was called Raisin Burger or some other shit like that, but it's not, is it? You, my friend, have set yourself up for a fall with your restaurant name.

You see, when I go into Hamburger Union, which I have before and I will again, I am expecting only to have a union with a hamburger. And that's what I get, and I'm very happy. But Ultimate Burger? You fucking muppet! Don't bullshit me with your bullshit name. Take those fucking raisins out of your burgers.

Not that it really matters now, you dozy cunt, cos I won't be coming back. I'm committing my future custom to Hamburger Union. Because when I get the urge to spend £6 on a burger, I don't expect a mouthful of cunting raisins.

Yours faithfully,

* (asterisk)

Open letter to Tony Blair

You know that bit about separation of Church and State? Suck it up, you washed-up, Bush-bitch, pussy-footing, barefaced-lying, election-promise-breaking, compromise-seeking cunt.

You can't renege on gay rights to adopt just because the Church doesn't want to give babies to what they clearly see as inferior, subversive members of the population. The Church is wrong and is acting in a divisive manner, not in the unifying way that we should be seeking in Britain and the rest of the world at large. Do you not get it, you stupid, hypocritical prick?

When the fuck will you just fuck off and leave us all in peace?

Kind regards,

* (asterisk)
with a tip of the hat to Lee for the letter thing.