Thursday, February 15, 2007

An open letter to Ultimate Burger

Dear Ultimate Burger,

The thing is, if you're going to name your company/restaurant/chain Ultimate Burger, you better fucking well be serving people the ultimate in burgers, you dig? Because when I walk into somewhere called Ultimate Burger, I'm expecting the ultimate burger.

And in my opinion, you know what the ultimate burger has in it? NOT FUCKING RAISINS, THAT'S FOR FUCKING SURE! What kind of cunt are you, putting fucking raisins in a fucking hamburger? Where the fuck did you grow up, eating that shit?

It would be all well and good if your burger bar was called Raisin Burger or some other shit like that, but it's not, is it? You, my friend, have set yourself up for a fall with your restaurant name.

You see, when I go into Hamburger Union, which I have before and I will again, I am expecting only to have a union with a hamburger. And that's what I get, and I'm very happy. But Ultimate Burger? You fucking muppet! Don't bullshit me with your bullshit name. Take those fucking raisins out of your burgers.

Not that it really matters now, you dozy cunt, cos I won't be coming back. I'm committing my future custom to Hamburger Union. Because when I get the urge to spend £6 on a burger, I don't expect a mouthful of cunting raisins.

Yours faithfully,

* (asterisk)

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Blogger Red said...

I am a lover of raisins, but even I found them well out of place in the burger. That unholy union kept repeating on me all afternoon...

15 February, 2007 15:53  
Blogger Karen said...

I could maybe understand if it was a veggie burger of some sort but a regular burger (beef)? No thank you.

15 February, 2007 16:42  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

Raisens in a burger? Are they nuts???

15 February, 2007 16:54  
Blogger Tanya said...

Where'd they get the idea that burger raisins would be a good idea? Or were they really raisins...?

15 February, 2007 17:11  
Blogger ldbug said...

Gross! Raisens in the burger? It's unthinkable

15 February, 2007 17:28  
Blogger Martha Elaine Belden said...

ewwww... raisins in a hamburger??

that sounds SO disgusting! why do people constantly try to re-make the wheel? seriously.... so gross!

(does anyone else find it annoying that people seem to constantly try to make foods fancy that shouldn't be fancy? i mean, putting raisins in a hamburger doesn't sound fancy to me... but i can only assume that's what they were going for. whatever)

15 February, 2007 18:04  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Red: Oooh raisiny belches. Niiiice.

Karen: Man, it was disgusting. Not a good combination.

4D: Are raisins nuts? No, raisins are raisins.

15 February, 2007 18:55  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Tanya: Yep, they were really raisins. Whole raisins in a sweet relish. Bleeeuuurghkkk!

LDB: It's absolutely unthinkable. And uneatable.

Martha: Here in the UK we are constantly trying to reinvent the wheel. One of Red's pet hates is flavoured water. Like, why? Sometimes more may well be more. But that ain't always the case, baby. "Keep it simple" works too.

15 February, 2007 18:57  
Blogger Kate said...

Raisins? In a burger? Oh, that's just unnatural. And £6 for a burger seems pretty steep. Are they Aberdeen Angus or something else really good?

15 February, 2007 19:23  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

That gives me the gag..but I also read this one out loud laughing my ass off to Stagg...funny funny funny!!!

I hope my sis reraqds this.

I only like raisins in about two things. Chutney, HP Sauce in fact.

Not even in cinnamon buns do I want raisins...okay raisin bread.

I would have just taken the burger back up to them...wasn't there a warning?

But oh I have to read this post out loud again because it is funny!

16 February, 2007 00:34  
Blogger Underground Baker said...

This is a bloody great restaurant review.

I wish to hell I knew what Candy wants me to do????

Perhaps she wants me to go on about how much I like fruit and meat together - oooo, if she is reading this she is gagging right now!

Which I do, but let me be most specific about the fruit and meat combination. It must be in Morrocan food, and only perfectly prepared Morrocan food. Raisins in hamburgers sounds pretty hideous, especially if one hasn't been warned.

I hate raisin bread.

16 February, 2007 05:34  
Blogger cappy said...

ok, a day late as usual, but run this by me again.


is this some sort of new u.n. directive from brussels?
did it state it on the menu? if not bung a claim in! what if you were allergic and suffered an anif....annafltal.....eniminimo...thingy that makes your throat swell?
what a set of cunts!
can i suggest a return of cunt of the week, and have these as the inaugeral recipitents (see, i do know SOME big words)
or did that used to be dullard?
whatever, they still get my vote!

16 February, 2007 09:29  
Blogger Pickled Olives said...

You should sue - get a class actio suit togther and make them change their name. How about - you'll get the runs burger - or something equally bad.

17 February, 2007 16:07  
Blogger Lee said...

That is some-kinda-name to live up to! Talk about setting expectations!

19 February, 2007 18:08  
Blogger tideliar said...

Dude, that's fucking gross! (a few days late as per usual , Tideliar...). But I laughed out loud and snotted on my computer screen, so well done!

21 February, 2007 22:30  

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