Elvis said it best

In the film G.I. Blues, Elvis sang a song called "Didja Ever?" In it, he asked:

Didja ever have one of those days, boys?
Didja ever have one of those days
When nothing goes right
From morning to night?
Didja ever have one of those days?

Well, it looks like I'm having one of those days right now, Elv, ol' mate.

So far, essentially, today has cost me £531 (that's US$1,064 or Can$1,193 or €779 or Aus$1,276). Now that, my friends, is a whole hunk o' cheese.

First, I turned on my e-mail to see that Paypal, cunts that they are, in their infinite fucking wisdom, have decided to reimburse one of the people I sold some tattoo magazines to on eBay. Why? I don't know... I sent the mags to a confirmed address SIX WEEKS AGO, and she left me positive feedback, so I know the mags got to her. And now she's requested -- and been given -- a full refund. So I'm out of pocket to the tune of £19, and I no longer have the goods either. What the fuck?

Second, I get my Visa bill. Yes, the one I had paid in advance yesterday. And I see I've been charged £12 for missing a payment. A discussion with my Visa card provider ended in me discovering I will not get the £12 reimbursed, despite the fact the bill never came to me last month. It also ended with me advising the girl that, therefore, I would like to cancel my account, asking her why her company treated its customers like cunts (freezing my credit card because I missed a payment of £5 despite the fact that I pay it off in full every month), and telling her to fuck off when she gave me her shitty standard excuses.

Third, a job that I have lined up, which is proving to be a complete ball-ache: I've negotiated them taking a part of it back, but of course that means my fee gets reduced by £500.

Okay, so the last one is fair enough, I suppose...

... But if the proverbial fool and his money are easily parted, I guess I must be the prize fucking sucker right now.

“Dangerous” phone-tapper jailed for four months

Here in the UK, over the course of the past two days, we have been hearing tales of paedophiles and kiddie-porn collectors not receiving jail sentences because of a recent decision by Home Secretary John Reid (see here, here, and here).

Reid has told British judges that the prisons are full to bursting, and so only dangerous criminals should be given jail sentences. This has led, as mentioned above, to the aformentioned "perverts" basically being set free.

And yet there seems to be room in prison for the News of the World's royal editor, who has been given a four-month sentence for hacking into the voicemail messages of royal aides. A private investigator found guilty of the same crime for the same newspaper has received a six-month spell at her majesty's pleasure (see here).

So, the question raised is: Are these two men a greater risk to society at large than one man with a history of sexual abuse on children and one man who downloads kiddie-porn pictures?

Big Brother bollocks

Ah, just so few hours after my announcing that Donnie Tourette will offer the best value for money in the Big Brother house, the motherfucker has upped and escaped, saying there is no way he will act as a servant to Jade Goody.

Most UK readers will know only too well how wise his words are. Indeed, who among us could stand to wait on that fucking pig-thick cunt of a celebrity? And I use the word celebrity in the loosest possible sense, since her celeb status can all be traced back to... um... Big Brother.

Yes, it's come to this: Big Brother is now creating its own celebrities in order to put them in the Celebrity Big Brother show. I'm yet to figure out whether this is better or worse than last year's gimmick of pretending a non-celebrity was a celebrity for the sake of the show. Oh, the humanity.

Still, even Jade has more reason to be there than her boyfriend (who's, like, nobody) and her freakish mother, whose claim to the coveted celebrity tag is that she's had an extreme makeover to make her the treat on the eyes that she is today.

So what has the picture of Monica Bellucci got to do with all this? Well, maybe Donnie would have felt differently if he'd had to become Bellucci's servant, even if she seems not to be satisfied with flowers.