Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The Oscar nominations: my twopenn’orth

Yesterday afternoon, Salma Hayek came into my living room to tell me the Oscar nominations for this year. It was nice to see her, but Salma dear, what was with that godawful dress? You looked pregnant and ready to drop. (Don't even ask what's going on in this picture either, cos I sure as hell don't know!)

I'm not going to rehash the list in full, because that would be silly when you only need head over to Oscar.com to find everything you need. But I will say something about it all. Well, you knew I would.

Best Actor:
Fuck off, DiCaprio, you freaky cunting man-child. Sure, you once showed promise. Now all you think you need to do is put in a fuck-awful accent and Bob's your fucking uncle. Like I say: fuck off.

Fuck off, Peter O'Toole, you old no-good-acting motherfucker. That shit you pulled in Troy? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Fuck off, Will Smith. Even though your Happyness movie was directed by a cool Italian director with some real promise, you bore the bollocks off me.

So I guess that leaves Forest Whitaker and Ryan Gosling. I hope Forest gets it. I've liked him ever since Smoke. Gosling boy: You were good in The Notebook, but I'm not sure it's your time yet, old son.

Best Actress:
Oh, has anyone mentioned that the Brits are coming? Fuck off.

Helen Mirren as QE2. Do I give a fuck? Well, other than the film's director being (apparently) the uncle of an author I worked with a few times, no, I don't much care. I guess that makes me three degrees away from Daniel Day Lewis, for those who like that sort of thing.

Winslet: Stop boring me, boring me, boring me.

Streep: Like, whatever.

Dench, I used to hate you. Sorry, but I really used to despise you when I was an angry young man. Now I figure you're okay.

But I really want Penélope Cruz to win, if only to see how fucking excited Salma Hayek gets then. She could barely contain her joy simply at La Cruz's nomination.

Best Supporting Actor:
This is a tough category, and as usual, it's the most interesting one. Thank the maker that that hammy old cunt Jack Nicholson ain't there; in his stead we get Marky Mark. Fuck off.

I'm hoping for Alan Arkin or that Hounsou chap from Blood Diamond.

Best Supporting Actress:
Sorry ladies, I have no opinion here, although it would cool to see Jennifer Hudson get it for Dreamgirls. I liked her in American Idol a couple of years back, and the fact that she's being recognized and that dull cunt Beyoncé isn't is music to my ears.

Best Director:
No David Lynch this year, unfortunately. Still, there's that Iñárritu bloke who directed Amores perros back in the day and 21 Grams. I hope he gets it. But against industry stalwarts Eastwood and Scorsese it might be a tough job. I'd also like to see Paul Greengrass get it for United 93. Well, you know, the Brits are coming. Stephen Frears probably has no chance.

Best Picture:
Having not seen any of these but hoping to see them all in the next month, I currently would like Little Miss Sunshine to get the gong, though I'm sure Letters From Iwo Jima must be great.

Word on this side of the Atlantic is that US fave Babel is a load of old bollocks masquerading as worthy cinema.

And you know I don't like remakes and think that Marty has lost the plot, so I shan't be rooting for The Departed either.

So, that's what I think. Thank you, and good night.

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20 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your thinking. Since I'm really not into/don't-have-time all the Oscar buzz I'll be sure to tune in here to catch up on the latest!

I did see Lil miss sun and loved it. Bable sucks.

24 January, 2007 18:31  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uhhh, I mean Babel! (still sucks)

24 January, 2007 18:32  
Blogger Underground Baker said...

I laugh so hard when ever you talk about movies.

Not being one to care about the oscars too much one way or the other, I must say I get great pleasure in hearing everyones opinion about them.

I think I will have to go to a bunch of movies this weekend so that I can contribute my own!
I did see little miss, and it was very good. Or perhaps I'm biased because I had a van that behaved exactly like the one in the movie.

24 January, 2007 19:20  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do you hate Judi Dench so? And no mention of Pan's Labyrinth? Tsk tsk *A. You really MUST see it. I'll agree with most of what you've said though. Am I the only one to remember Djimon from Stargate??? :)

24 January, 2007 21:38  
Blogger Cynnie said...

goodness you came back from spain with a bit of an edge ..that rocks
and I so agree with everthing you've said

25 January, 2007 03:18  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I need to say how I really hope Clint takes it home this year!!!! He won't be around much longer and I think he has an amazing talent.

25 January, 2007 04:18  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pans Labyrinth definitely the best thing mentioned in the nominations...and I've seen nearly all the films involved.

25 January, 2007 08:59  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Snowc: Thanks. I always try to see all the nominated films once they are named, but it might prove hard this year. I don't think they'll all be out in the UK in time.

U/Baker: i used to love watching the Oscars live, from 1 a.m. to 6 a.m., curled up on the sofa with Red. But in recent years (a) they've got a bit dull, and (b) TV coverage in the UK has been sporadic at best. But I love the hype, the glitz, and the glamour, even if the pictures don't always hold up.

Karen: I don't so much now, but it goes back to when I saw her on TV rehearsing for Sondheim's A Litte Night Music, and she came across as a real cunt who couldn't be bothered to make much of an effort. In recent years I have warmed to her slightly, though, and I think at her best she's a very good actress. So I don't still hate her. And I used to really like her husband, who died a few years back -- also a good actor.

25 January, 2007 09:58  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Cynnie: Surely I've always had a bit of an edge, haven't I? No? Ah, bollocks to it, then!

Olives: I know what you're saying, but it's not like he's gone empty-handed in the past. He's won Best Director twice, I think.

Shep: I'd be interested in seeing Pan's Labyrinth. I hope it's as good as everyone is saying.

25 January, 2007 10:01  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a Pan's Labyrinth lying round my in tray here at work. Mail me and I'll send it to ya.

25 January, 2007 12:34  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope Little Miss Sunshine gets something. Saw it on the plane. Was good. Saw The Queen as well. Which was OK, but nothing totally amazing. I reckon they'd give an Oscar to Mirren purely because she played Elizabeth II and no other damn reason.

25 January, 2007 13:17  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

interesting picks with good reasoning my friend...we shall see we shall see.

25 January, 2007 14:19  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who started the runour that Penelope Cruz can act. I've seen Barbies with more talent. I hope someday to get back all the time I wasted watching Cruz in a movie. Duck face too.

I do like Salma alot though and she can act. God knows why she lowers herself with that robot.

I've heard that Babel is a load of bullocks too. I was surprised it made it to the list. I am hoping for Little Miss Sunshine to get best picture.


I loved reading your comments so so funny. You sure keep us up to date on who is who in your movie world quite a laugh I got!

I think Alan Arkin will get an Oscar...and it seems like I have a few movies to catch up on in time for the big show...which is my real pagan xmas!!!!

25 January, 2007 21:26  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're right - FW great in Smoke. Actually FW great in everything.

26 January, 2007 09:21  
Blogger Milla said...

Little Miss Sunshine and United93 would do for me thanks.
In fact, if Little Miss Sunshine wins, Zorro will have to take me out to lunch! So here's hoping for a free plate of sushi...

26 January, 2007 10:45  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

The departed was good, but comeon I've seen that movie 28 times already. I'm pulling for Little Miss Sunshine.

26 January, 2007 11:41  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Shep: Consider it done! Thanks.

Tanya: I'd imagine The Queen to be okay, nothing more. Hopefully Sunshine is way better.

Shea: Ah yes, I'm all for reasoning about things I've never seen!

Candy: Great comment! It's so rare to see you being mean about someone, so La Cruz must really have gotten up your nose sometime.

Will: He was great in The Shield series too, even tho' I didn't like his character.

Milla: Remember, though, there's no such thing as a free lunch...

Lux: Thanks for stopping by. I may watch The Departed someday, maybe, but like you say, it's not original. Oh, and plus it's a remake.

26 January, 2007 13:49  
Blogger Soupdragon said...

Peter O'Toole??? Aw, come on, we luuuuuuuuuurve Peter O'Toole!!!
Don't we?

Alright, it's just me then. And I seem to be the only person who's not seen Troy yet then. Apart from the bit wi Seenie of the Beanie showin us his rather large scar ont leg. Awww.

Er, so then, er... No idea ont Oscars, we have the HK Film Awards to worry about! Itching to get tickets to that again this year. Oooh, must pull out me smart duds.

Lovely new new blogger blog thing. Lovely. Etc. You know these blogger things are a bastard to make work fer a bit. As able demonstrated by the fact that the pic fer the word verificashun thing dunt work. Hmm. And neither does the fucking wheelchair button things next to it.

Fuckers, eh.

:)

SD

26 January, 2007 14:31  
Blogger Milla said...

Yes, no, there's isn't such a thing as a free lunch. But I'll do me best ;-D

28 January, 2007 14:11  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Soupy: Love Peter O'Toole? Maybe once, a long time ago. Today, not so much. You going to the HK Film Awards? Nice one.

Milla: You go, girl!

28 January, 2007 14:18  

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