Friday, March 30, 2007

30 March

This date is a reminder to me, as it is to Red, of the distance we are from our families.

Five years ago today, it was a Saturday. We still lived in a small flat in London back then. Red and I were getting ready to go out for the day. It was early, I guess about 8:30 am. The phone rang. As is normal at our place, I was the one to pick it up.

I still feel a pang of guilt that I heard about Red's dad's passing before she did. Stupid to feel that way, isn't it? But I do. She knew it almost instantly, though. Within seconds I had gone from being cheery and upbeat to simply muttering a stunned "no" down the phone, no doubt with a suddenly grave look on my face. (I think I actually said "cazzo" ["fuck"], so stunned was I, though I can't be certain of this. It seems both appropriate and inappropriate at the same time.)

That was only the beginning of one of the strangest days I've been through in recent years. Don't even ask how we managed to be in Italy later that same day, which was Easter weekend... I suppose sometimes you just have to put your game face on and make stuff happen.

We both have our crosses to bear regarding those few weeks. I don't talk about mine. I prefer to live in denial about some things.


Blogger Red said...

I never even thought about the fact that you knew before I did, and I had no idea you felt guilty about it. I guess we don't talk about those days much, do we?

30 March, 2007 10:54  
Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Denial can be most useful.


30 March, 2007 11:15  
Blogger Pickled Olives said...

The death of a parent is hard enough without adding extras like traveling. Let go of the guilt it does no one any good.

30 March, 2007 11:30  
Blogger apositivepessimist said...

sometimes denial is the healthier option.

30 March, 2007 11:55  
Blogger Tanya said...

I totally understand.

30 March, 2007 12:37  
Blogger Pendullum said...

De Nile is not only a river that runds through Egypt...
I think it uns through a great deal of us Astericks... You are not alone,,,
I am so sorry for you loss...

30 March, 2007 12:55  
Blogger Karen said...

I'm sorry to hear that this time of year is so painful for the both of you. Spring should be a time of hope and looking forward to waht is it come. However, I'm glad that the two of you have each other to share these hard times with.

30 March, 2007 14:54  
Blogger Milla said...

I have just left a message on Red's beautiful post.
Zorro too was the first to pick up the phone; it was 6:00 am on a Sunday. He knew straight away what had happened when he heard my brother's voice at the other end of the phone. I left for Italy on the Monday morning, with the first flight. I can't even remember any of it, catching the train to Stanstead, nothing, not even who came to pick me up in Treviso. It's not really denial in my case, it's more like being economical with the reality of things, shutting off my brain at what I cannot deal with.

30 March, 2007 16:33  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Thanks, all.

I guess we all have to go through this stuff, often both with our own families and with those of our partners. It's all part of the circle of life, eh? And we deal with things the way we can.

Have cool weekends, y'all.

30 March, 2007 18:49  
Blogger cappy said...

i'll go off on a tangent here, in fact i've changed my mind and out of respect for this post will put it on my site!

31 March, 2007 00:32  
Blogger Lee said...

Denial's just a warm safe closet to out things in until we are mentally able to deal with them. Maybe someday, this time of year can be a celebration of his life. Warmest wishes.


31 March, 2007 12:57  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

Denial's good. Works for me.

31 March, 2007 13:27  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

So strange isn't it? You know when mydad died, it was early in the morning too...and Stagg wasn't home. I had a weird day all day alone...but I didn't want to bother him and I waited till he walked in the door. I had kind of "kept my shit together" all day and then started breaking down the closer it came to him coming home from work. It was like I ouldn't break till he could catch me.

I felt awful for him because I didn't want to worry him, and he looked so sad when he saw me...for a minute I felt guilty about upsetting him. I knew when he saw me right away I must have said it all because he looked so worried.

I gues a bit how your phone response told Red everything.

See love and staying strong and everything is so odd isn't it...and how we have so many thoughts and emotions lile on all at once...we are a strange animal.

Great post!

31 March, 2007 19:38  
Blogger Martha Elaine Belden said...

i think i live in denial much of the time.

it definitely helps sometimes. you and red are in my thoughts and prayers as this most dreadful of anniversaries looms.

you're both such beautiful people (don't argue with me)... i'm so sad you've had to go through this.

02 April, 2007 05:47  

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