Sunday, November 26, 2006

Woolworths gift vouchers

You all know that I've decided to do gift vouchers for Christmas this year. And the general consensus appears to be for Woolworths. Makes sense, I suppose, since you can get virtually anything there.

I used to love Woolworths as a kid. When my mum would take us into town when she was grocery shopping, I would either go to Woolies and check out the toys or to a shop called The [town name] Bookseller and check out the books. Sadly, that independent boutique shop is no longer extant. Progress meant that it had to become a fuck-off huge WHSmith.

Digress, digress, digress.

Anyhoo, Wife and I head into Woolies on our local high street. And I ask for the vouchers. But I'm told that they no longer do vouchers in the traditional sense; instead I have to buy swipecard-type affairs, which they load with credit to the value that I request. "It's easier," I'm (un)reliably informed.

I think on this as I'm leaving the shop with my frankly uninspiring-looking gifts. I've just spent almost £200, and all I've got to show for it is six credit-card-size pieces of plastic. And they don't even say on them how much they are "worth". "You'll have to tell the recipient," I was told.

How can this be better than pieces of paper that say "I am worth £20" on them? Oh yeah, I know. It's because when you give this to someone, they'll go, "Gee, thanks, um what the fuck do I do with this? Oh, I know I'll put it in the kitchen drawer and forget about it for six months, then when I next see it I'll think it's a bit of cheap tat and throw it in the bin."

Yes, dear readers, that is why it's easier. Because it ends up never being redeemed, and Woolworths ends up making money out of selling you nothing. What a shower of cunts.


Blogger Milla said...

You use the word 'cunt' a lot, *
Now, the cunt is a beautiful thing...have it associated with Woolworths gift vouchers doesn't do it justice.

Gift vouchers from Heals for me, thanks.

26 November, 2006 11:37  
Blogger Milla said...

You use the word 'cunt' a lot, *
Now, the cunt is a beautiful thing...have it associated with Woolworths gift vouchers doesn't do it justice.

Gift vouchers from Heals for me, thanks.

26 November, 2006 12:00  
Blogger Milla said...

Oh! Twice?

26 November, 2006 12:02  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Yes, twice, Milla! I do use the word "cunt" a lot, it's true. I do in real life, too, so it's not like an online affectation or anything. But... I have noticed a great amount of it in the past few days, probably most especially in the song "Cunts Anonymous (We Are the Cunts)". I believe the (over?)use is due to certain stresses I have been under for a few days. But they are now lifting. Does this mean we'll be cunt-free for a while? Hard to say. But somehow, y'know, I doubt it.

26 November, 2006 12:08  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

I've just done a count up: there are only ten uses of "cunt" on my home page at this present time, plus one in my blogroll, which is always there. However, there are quite a few in the comments boxes, too, not all by me, I hasten to add!

26 November, 2006 12:10  
Anonymous cappy said...

did you see never mind the buzzcocks the other week. simon amstell called someone a cunt, and anthea turner got very upset, and told him "you can't say that, you haven't got one!"
quick as a flash, amstell pipes up "i haven't got an umbrella either, but..."

well i found it funny!

we sell these "vouchers" too. some are of a specific denomination, and a guy asked the other week how much a £20 one was.

i smiled and walked away!

26 November, 2006 13:15  
Blogger Camie Vog said...

I love getting those little plastic gift cards.
1. They fit nicely into ones wallet, next to the credit cards that are currently verboten to me.

2. They are loaded up with invisible money to be used anyway I want.

3. When they do get stuffed into a drawer (always by mistake), it brings great joy when it is found. Another good point is that normally they don't "expire".

I know they don't look like much, but there are people who will be happy to get one.

26 November, 2006 14:26  
Blogger Karen said...

I bought a gift card for a friend's 30th birthday a few years ago. It was for some fancy skinny person clothes/jewellry store. When she went to use it (skinny bitch) it turns out the card was empty. THey had forgotten to swipe the card and put the amount on there for her. Good thing I kept the receipt :)

I love giftcards too. I think younger people (teens) will likely get a big kick out of them too. It'll make them feel grown up with a credit card of their own.

26 November, 2006 15:19  
Blogger Gardenia said...

Woolworths was a icon of my growing up. for some reason they have left the USA - Walmart, where you can also get everything is big and impersonal - Woolworths is personal....and I love gift cards...I always rush out and spend them right away! Send me a piccy of your Woolworths for nostalgia sake, ok?

The "C" word - well, I watch my language - but, ya know, there is one instance....I'm still seeting over the Dragonness plot. Men and women involved in that are definitely - yeh!

26 November, 2006 15:54  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cuntcuntcuntcuntycuntcunt it my fav word next 2 fucktard

26 November, 2006 16:50  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too think that although they don't seem impressive in the package or envelope...people generally LOVE gift cards. I suspect you may look boring at the holidays at first...but you will be very popular later as people go and pick themselves a little something something.

They are so handy when you don't really know what to get someone, or when you have to travel with gifts, and mail them. I had a gift card for Target...where I NEVER you can guess, I prefer boutiques.

BUT...I had a blast going shopping without worrying about anything using my gift card. It turned out to be an ideal gift.

Good on ya *, and it sounds like you might almost be ready for the holidays you lucky bastard!!!

I once made a painting of a large cave with fire coming out of it...and the word CUNT painted over the whole thing. My show got censored, but it was a super cool painting. Very poetic and all....

26 November, 2006 17:36  
Blogger ems said...

My first ever job was at Woolworths in Romford when I was fifteen and three-quarters (the age at which
you get your NI number). I lasted about six months or so I think. I couldn't stand being told what to do by some silly power-hungry no mark and left. Not without first serving Frank Bruno Easter eggs for his kids.

26 November, 2006 19:34  
Blogger Martha Elaine Belden said...

ooo... i love gift cards (that's what we call 'em here... and i believe our vouchers are "gift certificates"... you guys have prettier words for everything)

anywho... i can't really say it better than camie vog... so i won't... just re-read hers and imagine me typing it...


26 November, 2006 22:11  
Blogger wrinkled weasel said...

I have toyed with the idea of the Starbucks card for my daughter. No doubt I shall be told that Starbucks is the spawn of Satan, but what better than to nip in swipe your card, and walk out with a frothy coffee and not have to mess about with coins? I am not sure how this would play with a 19 year old "emo". Any ideas?

I find it wonderful, by the way, that you have given present giving so much thought. I have mostly given up myself, since people have so much "stuff2 these days.

26 November, 2006 22:24  
Blogger Underground Baker said...

You always make me laugh *, I do hope this is your intention.
A very sensitive freind of mine went to my blog for the first time and she says to me "what the fuck, why do you have a severed ear on your blog, thats disgusting, and what does it have to do with bread and cake?"
I draw a total blank, thinking she has perhaps gone to the wrong blog, or lost her mind - anyway, to make a long story short, I remembered your link, went back, and this time the severed ear was all that there was.
I still like the link very much, but what happened to the note?
Actually, she may not have said what the fuck, (my interpretation) and she never says cunt.

27 November, 2006 06:19  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Cappy: I almost never watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks, but I did watch it the other night to see Captain Jack from Doctor Who and Torchwood. I found it a bit shit, to be honest. It has really gone down over the years. Me and the missus went to see them recording it one night, many years ago, back when it was good, in the first couple of seasons. Plus, I don't get that joke... Yeah, I've seen these gift cards in a few other places since. I guess it's the nouvelle vague, and all that. Guess I've been out of the gift-voucher-buying scene for a while!

Camie: That's great, but you are obviously well aware of what they are. I'm specifically thinking of my grandparents. I wish I'd just bought them something now. Grrr. Maybe I'll go and spend the bloody thing in Woolworths, buying them a gift! But I'm glad that people are saying these things are actually kosher.

Karen: The empty-card problem is partly what concerns me, too. And even if you keep the receipt, presumably the store can turn round and say, "Well, you must have already spent the credit." Oh, I can feel my BP rising!

27 November, 2006 09:44  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Dollface: I've got to go into town today, so I'll take my life in my hands and carry the camera with me. It's a rough bastard of a town, so I hope I don't get mugged! I guess if I go early enough, all the work-dodgers will still be in bed... I don't expect everyone to like or use the c word, and I am really pleased how well tolerated it is! But, you're so right: some people just really are it, and you have no recourse but to think it, if not say it!

DP: My favourite curse word, for sure. I must say, though, I never use fucktard, even though i do find it amusing. It's a bit too American to flow easily from my English mouth, I think!

Candy: Fingers crossed, all will work out in the end. I'll probably have to do a little advance groundwork, saying what I'm going to give people and, like, "Don't throw them away, 'kay. They're worth munnay, geddit?" Hopefully, that'll send the message loud 'n' clear. It's cool that people are being really positive about this; it's really easing my mind! I remember your post about your CUNT artwork, way back when. Good job, missy.

27 November, 2006 09:52  
Blogger Tanya said...

A shower of cunts? I like that expression.... and I must agree. What a shower of cunts.

27 November, 2006 09:57  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Ems: I've still got my NI Number Card. Does everyone? I know you probably should, but it's so long ago now. I have had mine, like, 21 years. Aaahhh! Serving Frank Bruno. That's got to be a career highlight.

Martha: I can just imagine you typing those words, thanks. I'm not sure we call them anything different here. It's probably just that I've got the terminology wrong.

WW: I am a Starbucks boycotter, I'm afraid. I'm not exactly political, really, but I just think the menu is absurd, and I can't bring myself to give them my money after making a laughing stock of that delightful beverage. I think what your daughter really wants is a tattoo, surely? I did, indeed, give a lot of thought to prezzies, but what with the likelihood of not even seeing my family this year, and sending stuff being problematic, I figured this is the logical way forward.

U/g Baker: It's kind of my intention to raise a smile, sure. But, gee, I ain't always the clown, Miss. Sometimes I hurt, I hurt real bad, y'know? Naaah, just kidding! Doing my best 1940s melodrama for ya. That severed ear is a photo of the actual one used in Blue Velvet, in fact. And the link is working fine for me today, so I dunno what's going on there. I like your interpretation of your friend's words. Much more colourful and fun!

Tanya: I know!

27 November, 2006 10:05  
Blogger Spangly Princess said...

I think I occasionally shock people with my frequent and liberal use of the word cunt in my daily conversation. but no other word really fulfils the same (highly needful) function. so bollocks to the easily shocked, basically.

(though I try not to use it in a professional context, obviously)

27 November, 2006 18:45  
Blogger apositivepessimist said...

No they are great like that. I’ve been given them and I just slip it in my wallet and when needed it’s there to be used. Wahlah. Cool beans.

29 November, 2006 12:42  

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