Friday, July 21, 2006

Be careful what you wish for...

So, no sooner do I suggest people leave anonymous comments than I get 183 of the motherfuckers, all saying things like "Great site. Keep up the good work", or "Nice colours", or whatever the fuck else. I've started going through and deleting them, but judging from my e-mails, this cunt spent 34 minutes on my blog leaving these pesky things. And seemingly only one per post. I really haven't got it in me to go through deleting them all in one sitting, so I've removed the most recent ones and will attempt to delete the remaining, oh I don't know, 175 of these bastard things over the course of time. My advice in the short term is: don't click on the messages that say shit like that. It seems they take you to a credit-card debt consolidation site, but who the fuck knows. So I've put word verification back on now...

This is all even more ironic because I got up a little early today. Last night, Wife and I ditched Big Brother in favour of a movie, and I felt that if I got up early this morning I might be able to RECLAIM THE HOUR AND A HALF OF MY LIFE THAT I LOST TO THAT SHIT! And then I'm confronted with this. Bastard fuck cunt bollocks.

And breathe. And move on.

So, this movie was The Cave. I have no idea why it was on our LoveFilm queue but it was. Wife says I put it on the list; I think she did. Regardless, we both wish we hadn't. The Cave concerns a group of cave divers who enter a seemingly newly discovered cave in the Carpathian Mountains. Once inside, they discover a couple of unusual life forms that are quite similar to moles and salamanders. So far, so what? But then one of their number is killed and another is attacked by something with big fuck-off claws. It scratches the fuck out of the guy's back before he cuts himself free, taking one of the beastie's fingers with him.

So, this is a monster movie set in a cave. But... hold on: didn't we see a monster movie set in a cave a couple of months back? Why yes, we did. That one was called The Descent and it differed from this in that the key cast was entirely female. Not that the fact it was chicks in a cave with monsters made it any better. But it did. And I never thought I'd say this, but The Descent, as disappointing as it was, was actually better than the big steaming pile of doodoo that is The Cave.

It's not just the sense of déjâ vu, though; it's also that the script was so so bad and the acting leaden. The direction was much in that Batman Returns mould -- y'know, the third movie, the one by Joel Schumacher. That kind of "use lots of dark and lots of different angles and it'll keep the audience interested" line of thinking. No, it wont; it'll keep me pissed off, wondering why the fuck I can't see what's going on. Until I realize that FUCK ALL IS GOING ON, that is.

Still, for the ladies, eye candy comes in the shape of Third Watch's Jimmy (Eddie Cibrian, above), while the guys get to drool over Brit chick Lena Headey (left), who, in case you're wondering is only two degrees of separation from me.

All told, the movie runs about 90 minutes. But bear in mind that you'll never get that time back. Seemingly not even if you get up early in the morning. Rating: This was one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life. It wasn't even "so bad it's funny". I rate this movie 20 out of 100.

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7 Comments:

Blogger a.c.t said...

The Descent was bad enough, I didn't know it could get any worse. I hate it when I see a crap film, you really do feel like you've wasted 2 hours of your life. I went to see 'Fearless' with Jet Lee and it I hated it and it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

21 July, 2006 11:00  
Blogger apositivepessimist said...

bloody hell 183...well that's a deletion job for a rainy Sunday uh (*) and might I add...There's always some fucker to ruin it for all.

okay had to say what caused me to bark out a big fat laugh...

"with big fuck-off claws"

heh...I love that.

21 July, 2006 11:18  
Blogger Tanya said...

Have to say, neither of those flicks are on my must see list. Another one I would not recommend is The Wild (although it's a cartoon and has nothing to do with the movies you mentioned) as it's a pale copycat piece of crap brought out after Madagascar.

21 July, 2006 14:38  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

ACT: The Descent was bad, wasn't it? I've not seen Fearless, although I quite like a bit of Jet Li from time to time. Not usually the American stuff though; give me the HK films anytime.

APP: I know! Glad to bring a laugh now and then...

Tanya: And yous hould keep them off your must-see list. I shan't be watching The Wild, or Madagascar for that matter. I'm just not really a cartoonsy kinda guy. (Although I do see the occasional one with nephews and nieces.)

22 July, 2006 09:05  
Blogger Suze said...

Asterisk, I just knew there was a reason I keep on tuning in to Big Brother. LOL

22 July, 2006 13:41  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

Oh my god...moles and salamanders?

I don't think I could read the rest of the post because the idea of the monsters being moles and salamanders has rendered me a lifeless laughing mess.

23 July, 2006 20:52  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Suze: I know, I know. I should have realized it was the safe option!

Candy: Turns out that the moles and salamanders aren't the monsters, per se. They're more like snacks for the monsters. But it starts getting too involved and I don't want to spoil this great movie by revealing too much ;-)

24 July, 2006 09:22  

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