Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Isn’t renting films fun?

Our local video shop is a fucking joke. The other night we queued for literally 10 minutes even though there were only three customers in front of us. I don't know what the fuck each of their transactions were, but they took a shitload of time. And of course there was only one counter staff there, and not the sharpest of tools in the box. Is it mean of me to say that? Probably, but what the fuck?! I'm standing here waiting to take a couple of movies out of your shower-of-shit shop, which has turned into more of a games emporium than a video rental, and you can't get a fucking move on.

Anyway, we'd taken about quarter of an hour, Wife and I, to choose our two fillums: 9/11 TV movie Flight 93 and John Singleton-directed Marky Mark Wahlberg vehicle Four Brothers. We'd ummed and aahed, iffed and affed, and to'd and fro'd, but these were our chosen flicks. Trouble is, when you spend almost as much time in the queue as you do choosing your cinematic treats, you begin to doubt yourself.

I'm gonna say something now, and it might shock some people. Eight times out of ten the movies I choose to watch suck a bit. At least four times out of ten they suck a lot. And more times out of ten than I can count, they put Wife to sleep. Despite these frankly disturbing statistics, she still allows me to pick. We have an agreement, you see: one movie each. And if we only rent one movie, then the next time it's the other person's turn to choose. Same applies with going to the cinema (or "movie theater" for my Stateside readers).

This is a great idea, not least because I get to watch the films I want to watch, which are often shite. I choose films that I even suspect might be shite because for me it's win/win: I almost always like the films that Wife chooses.

Of course, all of this has led to some problems. She has confirmed that she will never accompany me to another David Lynch movie. Mulholland Dr. was the last straw, it seems. So disagreeable did she find it, that she left the screening room, walked out to the foyer, bought some ice cream, and ate it. Wife doesn't eat ice cream. She liked most of the Twin Peaks TV show, though, and The Straight Story.

She says I get drawn into the hype of shitty blockbuster-type films. That I believe the shitty movie magazines, instead of taking my lead from Sight & Sound and the like. And she's right. I can't say otherwise. But as much as I love loads of arthouse, foreign, and indie films, I also can't resist a good, big, fuck-off explosion - like the one at the start of Die Hard with a Vengeance, for example. I may consider my self a film lover - a cinéaste, if you will - but I'm still a guy, 'kay?

And it's not just explosions and guns, although they are very cool. It's also horror movies like Wolf Creek, or silliness such as Bubba Ho-tep. I'm even influenced by the video label releasing the films. Anchor Bay is usually a good bet.

Yada yada yada, Four Brothers is fucking shit. Why? Well, allow me to "share"...



Blogger Candy Minx said...

I loved Bubba Ho-Tep. I like a lot of weird films too...all kinds. Arsty, action, comedy is my favourite. But I LOVE Die Hard movies too! I was curious about 4 really is sketchy isn't he? Not consistent.

17 May, 2006 14:43  
Blogger iiq374 said...

As long as you got her to sit through "Lost Highway" before she gave up - would rate that as Lynch's best.
Gotta agree on Die Hard!! (Wife hates the fact that I can quote all sorts of random things from those movies). Except Die Harder - that was shite.

18 May, 2006 01:03  
Anonymous Wife said...

Oh, yeah, he got me to sit through that pile of cack that was Lost Highway too, don't you worry.

Bill Pullman and his crazy saxophoning ways are still a running joke in our house.

18 May, 2006 13:12  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

She loved it. Patricia Arquette, David Lynch, and a saxophone - how could she not?

18 May, 2006 16:28  
Blogger Vicki said...

I would say stay away from American movies. Unfortunately, being an American, that's pretty much all I get. But at the video store, I head straight to the Foreign and Independent sections. I rarely find a documentary that I don't like. I used to think documentary watchers = nerds, but have since changed my mind.

18 May, 2006 21:24  

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